Everything You Need to Know About Divorce

1.  How Long Does it Take to Get Divorced? Answer: The same length of time it takes to build a house. However, if you want a two story house it will take longer, and if you choose to fight with your architect, contractor and subcontractors along the way, still longer. Divorce ends when you a) are financially drained, b) are emotionally drained, c) feel so indifferent to your ex it is not worth the fight, even on principle, d) have a new love in your life and don’t have the energy to devote to your new love and old marriage, e) all of the above.

2.  You Can’t be Friends . . . at least not after you first separate. There are three reasons spouses want to be friends when they separate. The one who left wants to be friends so s/he doesn’t have to feel guilty for leaving. The one who was left wants to be friends hoping it will lead to a reconciliation. Either spouse wants to be friends so they don’t have to face being single and all that it brings. One way of testing whether you can be friends is to ask yourself if you were happily remarried and your ex was happily remarried, how interested would you be in socializing with your ex? If the answer is yes, you can be friends. On the other hand, if you’re so eager to be friends, why weren’t you able to work out your marriage in the first place?

3.  Divorce is a Marathon, Not a Sprint.  Divorce is very painful and so most people want to finalize it ASAP. Unfortunately, divorce is a process that can be quite lengthy, and the more contentious it is, the longer it takes (see #1 above). Most people could not walk from L.A. to Seattle in one day. But however long it should take will be extended if the road washes out, or you have to take detours, or you choose to rest awhile, or you can’t decide when to begin walking. So keep in mind divorce is a marathon journey, not a sprint to your destination. And remember to wear comfortable shoes - it may take awhile.

4.  Whatever the Dynamic was in Your Marriage will be the Dynamic in Your Divorce.  Couples have this crazy idea that because they see themselves as intelligent, caring, and logical, negotiating a divorce settlement will be easy, equitable and fair, and so they won't need attorneys who will eat up all the money they both want to give to their children. Spouses who believe this also believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and that Bill Clinton never "inhaled." Whatever the dynamic was in your marriage will be the dynamic in your divorce. If your ex was controlling in your marriage, they will be controlling in the divorce. People don’t change (or find a conscience) just because they are getting divorced. If anything, spouses use divorce as an opportunity to get even for what angered them but they tolerated in the marriage. So do what every good boy scout and girl scout does - be prepared.

5.  Exercising Power. If you and your ex got into power struggles when married, you should expect to struggle for power in your divorce. Fathers exercise power by withholding money, mothers exercise power by withholding children, and children exercise power by withholding themselves. To be fair, now that more women are paying spousal and child support, the primary earner exercises power by withholding money, and the primary childcare provider exercises power by withholding children. Be on guard for variations on this theme, such as the one who will pay child support may want more time with the children to reduce the amount of child support to be paid. Before you are quick to exercise power over your ex, remember Newton’s law of physics - "for every action (of power) there is an equal and opposite reaction (of power)." And, by the way, never (I repeat never) get into a power struggle with your child - you won’t win.

6.  Children Go with the Weaker Parent. Before divorce, children tend to favor the parent who indulges the child the most. But when couples divorce, the parent whom the child perceives needs them the most is the one whom the child wants to live with - so the child can take care of that parent emotionally. At first, that parent may misinterpret this as the child choosing them over their spouse, especially if that parent is the one who was left. The danger is that the child feels a responsibility to emotionally care for that parent which is not healthy for the child and may lead the child to eventually resent that parent with whom they live.

To be continued . . . .