. . . But Were Never Told (Part IV)

1.    Power to the Parents.  Parents think they are doing their children a big favor by letting them decide when and how much time to be with each parent, whom each parent should date and how much time each parent can visit the kids in the other’s home.  While this may seem to empower your kids, it actually makes them responsible for your happiness.  Not only do your children have to figure out what they want for themselves, they also have to worry about not hurting your feelings.  Children should always be included in the decision making process, but the final decisions are best left to the parents.

2.    Beware of Parental Alienation Syndrome.  Contrary to popular belief, this is not a Steven Spielberg film about a boy from Kansas abducted by infertile Martians who could not conceive their own child.  PAS is very serious and occurs when one parent seeks to alienate the child from the other parent, usually by false accusations, manipulation or flat out lying.  If you’re a victim of this the best antidote is to hang in there and maintain contact with your child as much as possible.  In most cases, children eventually see through the smoke and mirrors and figure out the truth.  When this happens, the parent who alienated the kids in the first place risks being rocketed off to Mars . . . forever.

3.    Friends Treat Divorce Like Cancer.  Married friends know it is not contagious, but some will treat you as if they might catch it merely by being in your presence.  While some friends will stand by you (both) through thick and thin, others will avoid you like the Plague fearing whatever happened to you might rub off on them.  Others will avoid you fearing their spouse might leave them like happened in your marriage.  Still others will avoid you out of envy that you had the courage to leave when their cowardice forces them to suffer in silence.  The best known treatment for this type of dis-ease is not radiation or chemo, but making new friends.

4.    Children Suffer More than Parents, So Be Grateful You’re Not Your Child.  Children are more affected by divorce than their parents for four reasons:  One, they are not included in the decision process leading up to divorce;  Two, parents can choose to either live alone or with a new partner, whereas, in most cases, kids have no say as to who they will live with and how much time they will spend with each parent.  Three, parents can replace their spouse with someone new, but kids get no say as to whom that partner will be - even if the children don’t like the new partner..  Four, children have to shuttle back and forth between two households, struggling to make one or the other a home base; unlike parents who can set up one household and get on with their lives.  So the next time you’re feeling sorry for yourself, look at your kids and be grateful you’re not going through what they’re going through.

5.    Rein in Your Kids.  Because kids feel so powerless in a divorce, they often deal with their feelings by either withdrawing (a sign of possible depression) or acting out in inappropriate ways at home and/or school (a sign of anger which may be a symptom of depression).  When children act out - like picking on younger siblings, mouthing off to you or punching holes in their bedroom wall - parents need to help their children deal with their feelings.  Here’s a three step approach you can try: 1) Validate your child’s feelings.  Let them know, for example, it’s okay to feel angry.  2) Help contain their feelings by setting limits. Tell them, for example, that even though it’s okay to feel angry it’s not okay to talk to you disrespectfully or hit their younger siblings.  3) Teach your kids appropriate ways of dealing with their feelings.  Say, for example, when you feel angry you can’t kick the dog, but you can go to your room and scream into your pillow or write a letter to dad or me about why you feel angry.  When a horse gets frightened and gallops out of control, we don’t drop the reins and let the horse race off until it calms down.  We pull on the reins to help the horse regain self control. So don’t be afraid to hold on tight and rein in your kids.

6.    The Two Year Dating Rule.  If you are separated under two years, only date people who likewise are separated less than two years. If you are separated more than two years, only date people who are separated more than two years.  Here’s why.  The first two years following separation is a white knuckle roller coaster and people who never married or are separated longer than that will not have the stomach for even hearing about it, let alone joining you on it.  People separated under two years will be on the same roller coaster as you and not only will they not mind hearing about your ride, they too will throw their hands up in the air and scream when the ride suddenly drops at terrifying speed.  After the first two years pass, you will be safely on the ground and will find more success in dating others who also are now on the ground.  But if you’re adventurous and choose to ignore this advice when you date, remember to bring along an air sickness bag.