One day many years ago, when my son was about
5 years old, he asked if we could go to the park and play. As a divorced single
father I relished the idea that we could do something that didn’t cost money.
That joy lasted as long as it took us to leave my one bedroom apartment and make
our way to the car. My son took hold of my hand and informed me that he was
going to be the dad and I was to be the kid. I quickly grasped what was going on
as I easily slipped into my role as the defiant child. Wearing a grimace
I looked down at my son and loudly whined "I don’t want to go to the park! I
want you to buy me toys!!" I’ll never forget his reaction. He suddenly dropped
my hand and with a shocked look on his little face that screamed "now what do I
do?!" he calmly said "ok you be the dad and I’ll be the kid."
My son did what all children do, seek power. Most of the time children feel
at the mercy of adults - parents, babysitters, teachers, aunts and uncles,
grandparents, neighbors, etc. - over whom they have no control or power.
Many adults struggle with the same issue, power, especially when we divorce.
When couples divorce they frequently engage in a tug-of war for power. Fathers
exercise power by withholding money. Mothers exercise power by withholding
children . . . and children exercise power by withholding themselves.
Married couples struggle as a unit to benefit both husband and wife. When
couples divorce, husbands and wives no longer look to take care of each other,
to protect each other, or to help each other. Divorce prompts partners to take
care of themselves and not each other as they did before. In their zeal to do
this couples vie for power over their situation to feel more in control over
themselves and their life.
Another reason couples engage in power struggles during divorce is to change
the dynamic that existed in their marriage. Divorce is not the end of the
marriage. For many, it serves as a battleground for partners to deal with what
angered them during the marriage that they never got to resolve. I worked with a
husband who always objected to how much money his wife spent during their
marriage. When they divorced he delighted in not paying support on time and
paying less than he was ordered to pay as a way of getting even with his wife
for how much money she spent when they were married.
Sometimes couples get into power struggles to continue the dynamic that
existed in their marriage. For example, perhaps during the marriage the husband
was very controlling and the wife was very submissive. As they proceed with
divorce the husband will naturally expect his wife to go along with whatever he
dictates, just as she did in the marriage. If she refuses he will naturally do
whatever is necessary to regain the power and control she allowed him in their
marriage.
We all recognize that power can be a blessing when used to right a wrong or
fight injustice. However, power can be a curse when used simply to control,
dominate or destroy another.
For those who are married or in a relationship, power is a dish best shared
by the couple. The healthiest use of power is when a man exercises power by
including his wife or partner, when a woman exercises power by including her
husband or partner . . . and when children are invited to exercise power by
being included in the decision making process by their parents (and
step-parents).
February 2004 - 1
© Rob Kaufman, LCSW
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