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"Shrink Rap" Newsletter Online
March, 2007 Edition
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Quarterly
E-Newsletter of Rob Kaufman,
LCSW
16161
Ventura Boulevard Suite 224, Encino,
California 91436 |
Welcome to the offices of Rob Kaufman, psychotherapist, Divorce Dialogue, a divorce support group and Relationship Support Group. I offer individual, couple, and family counseling, and specialize in the areas of relationships, marriage, divorce, step-family, parent-child, and adoption. For more information visit www.RobKaufman.com . Divorce Dialogue, established in 1981, is the oldest divorce support group in Los Angeles. For more information visit www.DivorceDialogue.com . Relationship Support Group is for individuals who want to explore relationships in depth. For more information visit www.RelationshipSupportGroup.com.
An Accident Waiting to Happen . . .
When You are Ready
Sometimes, the smallest incident can yield the greatest lessons. Last fall I went to my fortieth high school reunion, my first, and boy was I surprised. Not by how old everyone looked, I was prepared for that. What I didn't expect was how everyone stayed the same. It was like stepping back in time. Girls who were shy were still reserved. Boys who bragged their way through high school were just as arrogant. Yeah, I expected everyone to change now that they had grown up and matured, but no, everyone was exactly as I remembered them to be. . . except Jimmy Monroe.
Jimmy was one of those kids who got along with everyone - stoners, jocks, brainiacs, you name it, they all liked him. He was kind, thoughtful and genuine. As I approached him to say hello, I heard Jimmy rip into his wife of 30 years, Ginny, his high school sweetheart, about how stupid she was for not knowing how to pour punch. That was my first clue that something was wrong; Jimmy wasn't the same. He was sarcastic, pretentious and critical of everyone who walked by.
A few hours into the reunion, I cornered his wife alone. She told me that three years earlier, while driving home from work, Jimmy was broadsided by a drunk driver. He was thrown from the car and remained in a coma for two weeks before regaining consciousness. He had not been the same since. The neurologist explained that his head injury caused damage to the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that shapes personality, which explained why affable Jimmy had become such a s.o.b. I remarked to Ginny how impressed I was at how she let Jimmy's comments roll off her. She explained that the man she fell in love with died in that car accident and the Jimmy who was now her husband was a completely different person; someone who couldn't help being who he was. She still loved him too much to divorce him. So, rather than feel angry all the time, she thought better to accept him as he was and move on. Imagine if we could all be like Ginny.
Patsy and Ben are happily married, except for the arguments they get into because Patsy doesn't like Ben's taste in clothes. "For twenty years I've dressed this way and for twenty years you've tried to change me; I like the way I dress," Ben complained. What if Patsy believed her husband was color blind and even though he knew his shirt and pants didn't match, he liked the way they looked, given his disability. Maybe, she could be more accepting and feel less annoyed by his poor sense of fashion.
Leon and Iris are separated and having a brutal divorce. He feels so angry by her greed and efforts to control him, just as she did in their marriage. Not wanting to accept how his wife is, he constantly complains to her, hoping she will change. Imagine if Leon were told by a psychiatrist that Iris suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and was never going to change from being controlling and selfish. Perhaps, he would stop trying to change his wife and start protecting himself.
When people act in ways that bother us, the benefit in choosing to see them as brain damaged or disabled is not to excuse them but help us accept them as they are. No relationship or person is perfect. Everyone has some idiosyncrasy that will drive their partner crazy. Still, we don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water. When someone's virtues outweigh their liabilities, we have to figure out a way to feel less annoyed by those personality traits or behaviors that will not change. Rather than banging our heads against the wall, we are better off putting our energy into accepting them and their behavior. After doing this, we can then focus on how to deal with someone with this type of disability or injury.
So, the next time you catch yourself pulling your hair out trying to change someone who doesn't want to change, remember Ginny Monroe. Try telling yourself that the person is brain damaged from a disability or accident and they can't be helped. When the going gets tough, just remind yourself, there is always an accident waiting to happen . . . when you are ready.
And remember . . . without rain there is no rainbow,
and without a rainbow there is no pot o' gold. So embrace your hardships and
never give up on your dreams.
March, 2007
© Rob Kaufman, LCSW
Please let me know your
comments and suggestions. Is this newsletter helpful or useful? What
else would you like to see in this newsletter? What other topics and
issues would you like addressed?
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