"Shrink Rap" Newsletter Online :: Divorce Dialogue / Rob Kaufman, JD, LLM, MSW :: 16161 Ventura Blvd. #224, Encino, CA 91436 - (818) 788-9567. "Divorce Dialogue is a support group for men and women who are separated, divorced, or considering either. Since 1981, we have helped over one thousand people through the transition from being married to becoming single and on to healthier relationships. Divorce Dialogue is the oldest divorce support group in Los Angeles."

Welcome to the offices of Rob Kaufman, psychotherapist, Divorce Dialogue, a divorce support group and Relationship Support Group, my newest support group.

Everything You Need
to Know About Divorce

. . . But Were Never Told (Part II)

1. 9 Stages of Divorce. 1) Disillusionment in and Erosion of Your Marriage - is the longest stage and may takes years to go through. 2) Denial - that there are serious problems in your marriage 3) Detachment from Your Spouse - begins when you start avoiding each other and begin to lead parallel lives. 4) Physical Separation - occurs when one of you moves out. 5) Limbo - takes place when the one who threatens divorce does not want to be married but is not certain about divorce, and so there is physical separation but no filing of divorce papers 6) Legal, Economic & Emotional Divorce - begins with negotiating a marital settlement, with or without attorneys, and may end in court. Emotional divorce begins when there is no longer hope for reconciliation. 7) Mourning - the loss of your marriage and your family, as it was and your dreams of how it was to be. 8) Re-orientation of Your Life Style - as a not married person which may include dating, making new friends, letting go of old ones and re-assessing where you want to go from here. 9) Acceptance - of the death of your marriage and the birth of your newly created life, is the final stage.

2. Divorce Your Spouse - Not Your Child’s Other Parent. Husbands and wives divorce, not dads and moms. This can be a slippery slope especially when couples don’t establish firm boundaries between them and are unclear as to whether they are in their role as an ex-spouse or parent. For example, a father calls his son’s mother to ask to switch weekends so he can take his son to a BBQ at a friend’s house. Mother asks (innocently yet dripping with sarcasm) if the "friend" is dad’s new girlfriend. Mom switched roles mid-discussion from mother to ex-wife. Remember . . . husbands and wives may come and go, but moms and dads are forever.

3. Behavior Never Lies. There’s an old proverb "actions speak louder than words." This is never more true than during divorce. Couples frequently make promises to each other, with the best of intentions, that they never keep - for example, "Don’t worry, I’ll always take care of you financially" or "I will never put our children in the middle." So stop taking to heart everything that your spouse says and start believing how they behave. Behavior never lies. Words can lie. When the picture and the sound are not in sync - turn off the volume and trust the picture.

4. Kids Will Vent Their Anger on the Safer Parent. It will seem terribly unfair when your child vents their anger onto you when you know for certain they are really angry at your ex. Kids are too frightened to confront the parent at whom they feel angry if they believe that parent may reject them. Even as adults, we often vent (or displace) the anger we feel towards our boss onto our spouse because it feels safer knowing our spouse won’t fire us (we hope). So, if you are the parent with whom your child usually vents, the good news is you are the safer parent, congratulations. The bad news is be prepared. Oh, and remember to wear a bulletproof vest.

5. Don’t Be Vindictive. When you have to pee, and have been holding it in for a very long time, nothing feels better than when you let it all out. Spouses use divorce to get even for what happened in their marriage and engage in a peeing contest. Many a spouse will tell you they have been holding in their anger and frustration for so long their emotional bladder is ready to burst. But remember, if you pee into the wind, the harder it comes out, the harder (and messier) it will come back onto you. So be advised, if you choose to be vindictive, wear a raincoat . . . and galoshes.

6. Forgive Your Ex. People confuse forgiveness with excusing. To "excuse" your ex for hurting you, is to let them off the hook by not holding them responsible. To "forgive" your ex for hurting you, still holds them responsible, but lets you off the hook of holding onto your anger. Forgiveness allows you to cancel the debt you think your ex owes you. To not forgive is like you drinking poison and expecting your ex to get sick. Bottoms up.

7. Don’t Confuse Children with Mixed Messages. Parents are so eager to protect their kids from the pain of divorce, they innocently end up confusing them more than helping them. A parent would never tell their child there is no "tooth fairy" and then slip money under their pillow every time they lost a tooth. Yet parents will tell kids they are divorcing, but still love each other, are best friends and then get together as a family for dinners or celebrations as if they were not getting a divorce. How confusing is that? Personally, I think children would prefer to find money under their pillow.

To be continued . . . .

And remember . . . without rain there is no rainbow, and without a rainbow there is no pot o’ gold. So embrace your hardships and never give up on your dreams.

July 2006