Tina never saw it coming.  It was four years since her divorce and after three failed relationships she was resigned to be alone the rest of her life.  But here he was, lying next to her in bed, sound asleep with that little boy smile she found so darn cute.  Marty was attentive, handsome, bright, funny, financially secure and sensitive - everything she wanted in a man.  So why was Tina up half the night staring at him with dread and anxiety?  She looked over at him with feelings of love while calculating how to end it.

Brenda and Sean were happily married for six years.  They had four year old twins and enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle. She was a pediatrician and he a successful comedy writer.  Still, Brenda felt something missing from their marriage.  That’s how they ended up in counseling.  They weren’t thinking divorce as much as wanting to know why, after only six years, they were each feeling more like brother and sister than lovers - a little bored with each other and their marriage.

Glen and Doris lived for Thursdays.  That was their day, as they held hands strolling through the farmer’s market munching on nuts and berries.  As he glanced at his watch, she asked "what’s wrong?"  Glen hesitated before answering.  "I promised Sheila I’d meet her for lunch."  "But this is our day" she pouted, the disappointment obvious.  "It’s not like you don’t understand," he said defensively.  "You make me feel like I’m cheating on you.  Sheila is my wife, remember?"  But to Doris it did feel like cheating.  Still, she had no right to complain since she was just as married he.

Grace met Leo online where it was like at first sight.  For the next six months, they talked, laughed and cried with each other nightly over their Internet video-cams.  He lived in Detroit and she in San Diego.  Neither one ever suggested meeting somewhere or dare bring up the possibility of moving to the other’s city.  No, for them, virtual dating was exciting and enough.  They both agreed - why ruin a perfectly good relationship?

So many people complain about not being able to find the kind of partner they dream about.  And, even after they do, they still moan and groan about what’s wrong with the person or the relationship.  What these people share in common is a desire for closeness but a fear that once they grow close a calamity will befall them.

It’s only natural to want to get close to someone who makes us feel good. Growing close is not the problem, it is what happens when we actually get there.  For some, getting close means rejection.  Tina felt rejected by her husband pretty much her entire marriage.  He preferred to be with his friends over her and never enjoyed talking with her about her day. She felt the same way as a child when her father was always too busy to play with her or attend her school functions.

Others worry that if they get too close, the other person will see the ugliness they see in themselves.  Brenda knew as a physician she would be a great catch.  However, she worried if anyone discovered she had an eating disorder as a teenager they would never want to marry her.  Sean was a bright and funny guy, but suffered from depression and was convinced his true love would dump him once she learned of this.  Brenda and Sean married knowing neither was the great love of their life, but each felt accepted by the other.

Closeness can sometimes lead to feeling controlled.  Glen and Doris have been meeting weekly for over fifteen years. Each has feelings for their spouse but also feels controlled by them.  Doris’ husband controls her with guilt and shame while Glen’s wife uses biting sarcasm and manipulation.  Each feels a love for the other that neither feels in their marriage. But their fear of being controlled stops them from taking their relationship to the next level.  As long as their trysts continue, they have both the intimacy they crave and the safety of knowing they can’t be controlled.

For some, closeness can result in the pain of rejection or even abandonment.  Grace was especially close to her grandmother who died suddenly of a heart attack when Grace was only seven.  Then, her mother died of a brain aneurism that no one saw coming when Grace was just sixteen.  Grace vowed never to love anyone ever again.  In her mind, if you don’t let them get close, it won’t hurt so much when they leave you.

For many, the closer they get the scarier it feels.  We all suffer the pangs of loss when someone we love rejects us, abandons us or turns out to be very different from whom we trusted.  Fear of being alone is what prompts us to want to be close, yet fear of what may happen when we actually get close is what prompts us to keep our distance, even after we are in a relationship.

There’s only one way to protect ourselves from getting burned - don’t get involved!  If you are already involved, don’t let the other person get too close!  Are these our only options?  So, the next time you hear yourself complaining about what’s wrong with your partner or not being able to find a partner, perhaps this is no accident.  Distance not only makes the heart grow fonder, it also makes the heart feel safer.

How to overcome this fear of closeness and have a loving close relationship will be reserved for a future Shrink Rap.  Stay tuned.

To be continued . . . .